k.... so....I've been EXTREMELY ill all day yesterday. This gave me ample time to reflect on life and how to be safe wile living. talking smurfs.... something you should know about these blue vermin is that they WILL kill you and your family first chance they get and they will laugh wile doing it. During my brief period of ailment i have devised a brilliant four point plan to combat the creatures.

FIRST!---- shelter, one thing you should definitely know about smurfs is that the little fuckers could be anywhere! You're gonna wanna find a small hole in the ground... nothing too big, nothing with a lot of hiding spaces in it. To be absolutely certain you do not have any of the blue demons waiting in ambush you may want to consider spraying your shelter with cat piss before entering. smurfs hate cat piss. I mean... a lot of things do... but it's like acid to them.

SECOND!--- protection, A good defense is key here. As mentioned in the previous step, smurfs have a severe reaction to cat piss. Do not find yourself above wearing a coating of feline urine... at least not if you want to live. It would also probably be a good idea to down a glass or two of the stuff. I agree this isn't the most pleasurable of options but really, if your SPIT can hurt a smurf?.... i think you're in pretty good shape. Just convince yourself it's some sort of health shake... I'm sure it's got Iron in it.. or one of those things that are healthy for you.

THIRD!----- intimidation, smurfs have very few female members of their race. This makes them extremely insecure in their sexuality. This is good news for a male human who is attempting to survive a smurf attack. Good news... for a NAKED male human. Should a smurf happen to enter your domicile and be greeted by exposed male genitalia they will almost IMMEDIATELY divert their eyes. They will also want to take the time to needlessly convince all their fellow smurf assailants that they were CERTAINLY not checking out your junk.... this is the perfect time to make your move. (Ladies! in the event of an actual smurf attack it is strongly advised that you have at LEAST one naked male human in your possession.)

FOURTH!--- execution, ok, so this is the fun part. Once detaining a smurf there are certain ways in which you must dispose of them. They are a very resilient creature and their diet gives them the capability to regenerate limbs (this is why they eat hearts). You're gonna wanna take firm grip of a number two pencil and just JAB IT IN THE EYE!!!! YOU KEEP JABBING!!! DONT STOP TILL THAT LITTLE SHITS HEAD LOOKS LIKE MASHED POTATOES!!! IT'S ALL FOR THE SAFETY OF YOUR LOVED ONES!!!! YOUR LOVED ONES FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!!! DON'T YOU CARE???!!!!!

FIFTH!---------- uuuugh, so much snot. I think it's wrapping around my brain... why else would i be awake at eight in the friggin morning.